An interview with Sarah Dolen

Sarah is mom to two-and-a-half-year-old Jack, six-month-old Brooke, and their dog (aka the first baby) Iggy. She, her kids, and her husband, Matt, live in Boise, Idaho. She’s 34 years old. 

On childhood and her own mother 

I was born in Colorado but moved to Boise when I was quite young. My dad had a very demanding job and was frequently traveling internationally for weeks at a time when I was growing up. But my mom was a stay-at-home mom to me and my brother. She was very actively involved in everything with us when we were children, from volunteering at school to always being available if we needed anything. When we were older she made it her priority to have our house be the house that my friends always went back to. She was always cooking dinner for people – my friends would come over after practices or even sometimes when I wasn't there. 

With us, she was very structured. She was trying to survive and do the best that she possibly could with me and my brother, since my dad was quite busy and oftentimes traveling for work. And now, as a grandmother to my kids, she wants to do all of the fun stuff all the time. She’s far more laid back and easy going and willing to spoil them in ways that she never did with us (like letting bedtime take over an hour, because “just one more story” turns into about fifty).

On when she thought about becoming a mother 

As a kid, I didn't really think I wanted to become a mom. I was never really that into my little brother and never babysat. Even when I was first out of college, I was weirded out by friends who were baby crazy. I remember having friends that would see a baby and be like, “I just want to hold that baby!” I was like, “I'm good. Please don't give me your baby.” 

Until very recently, my entire focus was on my career. I was into working long hours, putting my career first, getting my MBA. It wasn't until a little bit later that I started to come around to kids, when my husband's sister had a daughter – she’s seven now. That was when I realized I was not necessarily dying to have kids, but I could see how it could be fun and enjoyable. Now that I have kids I'm absolutely completely ridiculously stupidly obsessed with them, but it was definitely a slow process to get there for me. 

On pregnancy 

I got my IUD out and within three weeks was pregnant and was absolutely surprised by that. I felt very lucky. But both pregnancies for me were really difficult for a wide variety of reasons. With Jack, I had complications at twelve weeks. I had bleeding and they weren't sure what it was from. It turned out that I had a subchorionic hematoma. For a while my doctors kept referring to my pregnancy as a “threatened miscarriage” and there wasn’t certainty it was going to last. At twelve weeks, we went to visit family to tell them we were pregnant. We met with Matt’s family, and then later that night I was in the ER. The next morning we had to call Matt’s parents back and say we actually don't even know if this pregnancy is going to last. We were supposed to tell my parents that following morning.  Instead I had to call my mom and tell her I had spent the night at the ER, I was pregnant, but not to get too excited because we didn’t know what was going to happen. 

Everything from twelve weeks to 20 weeks was this weird wait-and-see scenario. At 20 weeks, when Covid was just getting started, we had the anatomy scan. My husband wasn’t allowed to come in with me, so he was waiting in the parking lot while I anxiously texted him updates. At that point the doctor found that everything looked good. I was still considered a high-risk pregnancy. Because of the uncertainty of not knowing what to expect, I was trying to not get too attached. 

My pregnancy with Brooke was much better from that perspective. At the same time, I was juggling a back injury and having much worse morning sickness than I had with Jack.  

On labor and delivery

Jack’s labor was thirteen hours. His heart rate was dropping every time I got contractions. At first, labor was progressing really quickly, so they gave me some medication to slow it down. Because of Jack’s dropping heart rate, they were prepping me to potentially do an emergency c-section, but they ended up being able to go through a vaginal delivery. Luckily our midwife had had the NICU nurses in the delivery room when he was delivered. They were able to quickly swoop in. It turned out he had meconium and the cord around his neck. The doctor told us later that based on the kind of the shape that he was in when he came out, had they not had those nurses there, he likely would not have made the transition, which is really scary. Luckily he doesn't have any residual complications or anything.

With Brooke, her labor was wildly fast. I was scheduled for an induction at 7:30 in the morning. I woke up at 5 am, didn't feel great, was admitted to the hospital at 6:30, and she was born at 7:12, so it was too fast for an epidural. It was a giant whirlwind.

On postpartum 

With Jack, my first, I went into it knowing everything about pregnancy because I had been reading so much about it, but I really wasn't that educated on all the things postpartum. It took me almost a year to feel even remotely close to being back to somewhat normal in myself, both mentally and physically. With Brooke, it was a lot easier for me, mostly because I knew what to expect. It exceeded my expectations in a good way because my body recovered quicker than it had the first time. 

There are so many resources around about what to expect week-by-week in pregnancy. You’re completely inundated with information, and then postpartum, all of the focus switches to the baby. I think everybody's experience is very different in terms of what they're feeling one week, three weeks, three months out, but there are some things that are similar. It would be really beneficial if it was more widely talked about. 

Another thing I struggled with was postpartum care. All throughout pregnancy, you have increasingly frequent appointments with your OB and you get to the point where you're in there every week towards the end. Then you have a baby and they're like, “Okay, thanks, we'll see you in six weeks.” And the six week appointment is maybe five minutes and then that's it. I had mastitis twice, I had blocked ducts, I had a whole bunch of problems pumping. Also, the tearing I had from labor with Jack didn’t heal properly. I had a bunch of scar tissue that I ended up having to go have surgically fixed. They did that six months later because I didn't know that you weren’t supposed to have lingering pain. No one had told me. 

On shifting her identity 

With Jack, shifting my identity into being a mom was really difficult and took a while. Looking back at both pregnancies and both postpartum periods, I had some pretty significant postpartum depression and anxiety. With Jack, I wasn't even that aware of it. I thought it was  just normal, the emotional roller coaster, in tears about random things and constantly telling my husband, “I know this isn't rational, but I'm really upset about…” You have this new baby, and it's clearly the most important job you've ever had, and you’ve had zero training for it. You have this person who relies on you for everything, and you’re like, well, I don't know you yet. I don't know what you want. It was really just a lot. 

I used to think that being a mom would be a secondary piece of who I am, which sounds bad. I had always thought I'd have kids, and then I would send them to daycare and go back to work, and they'll be kids and I'll be a parent just as much as my husband will be a parent, but it won't be my sole priority. And then I was really enjoying my time with Jack. When I was at work, I couldn’t wait to get home to be with him. I realized I could really understand why people identify as parents first. Now I get why some people go home at 4:30 because they just really want to see their family. 

With my second, it became even more apparent when my whole team was laid off while I was on maternity leave, when Brooke was six weeks old. Within one email the entirety of the organization was cut. All the work I had done and spent so much of my time and effort on is gone. It's not that it didn't matter, but it didn't matter in the same way that I thought it did. And my family and kids are still here. It really shifted my focus and perspective. I still love working, and need that mental outlet, but it has a very different purpose and impact when you realize how quickly it can completely dissolve.

On her relationship with her partner 

One of the most pivotal parts of parenthood for me was the change in my relationship with Matt, my husband. It forced us to have some difficult conversations about how we raise our children. What is our core family unit and what are the values that we want to adhere to? How do we bring other people into that? When we first had Jack, it was in the heart of Covid and we had quite a bit of drama about some of our extended family not respecting the boundaries we were putting up for our own family. That was really difficult to navigate because we want our extended family to be part of our children's lives. But we also don't want to compromise the safety and health of our children. 

We had to really understand how to have those conversations proactively, to make sure we were figuring out not just what is important to us as a couple but really what is the important thing for our family. There's the lens of physical health and mental health. How do we raise our children in a way that merges our different parenting skills? Matt is really easy going. I'm super type A. So how do we figure out how to merge that and to be really effective parents? It was a lot of evolution for the two of us that really came from these conversations. 

Matt and I have prioritized making sure that we're both equitable parents and partners. When we entered parenthood we were both working full-time, and we both had the same set of commitments and responsibilities. We are continuing to maintain that division of labor and responsibility and having conversations about how that works. 

On her favorite parts of motherhood

Right now I'd say the baby snuggles. The excuse to go sit in the rocking chair and just hold Brooke endlessly because she's a baby. There are so many things that I enjoy and they change constantly as kids get older. There are some really special pieces about having a brand new baby, but it’s kind of a double-edged sword. I remind myself when it's hard that she's not going to need me like this forever, and then when it's easy and I'm absolutely smitten, holding her and she's falling asleep in my arms, I’m sitting there crying saying she's not going to need me like this forever. 

With Jack, he's saying all kinds of ridiculous things and asking all kinds of questions (like why can’t he have his yogurt microwaved for lunch). I have favorite parts of each of these different stages. The things that I enjoy the most change constantly. I would say my favorite piece is all of it to some degree, as cheesy as that sounds.